Month 1
Rei hates everything.
The walls are too white. The morning sickness is too much. The security is too tight.
No way out.
“Why?” Rei asks her stomach.
Where her “5th child” is growing steadily. As if she had any choice in it’s creation. As if she wanted to be pregnant again. As if she deserved this.
Rei snarls, her anger coursing through her blood stream, a blizzard in her heart.
“This is all your fault!” She shouts at her stomach. “I hate you!”
She hates this, she hates this, she should be back with her snow fairies! Her snowflake, her snowman, her snow angel, her snow spirit, they need her! Shouto, Natsuo, Fuyumi, Touya, they need her! She doesn’t want this, this thing in her stomach!
But the thing in her belly didn’t have any choice either.
“No, this isn’t your fault.” She stares out the window, where the sky is turning orange and red, like fire.
Rei holds the blankets tighter, the blizzard exploding.
“IT’S HIS FAULT!” She shrieks.
She didn’t ask for any of this! She didn’t agree to any of this! She didn’t deserve any of this!
“You are my wife and you will fulfil your duty to me, or else!”
She won’t, she won’t, she won’t!
She tells the doctors to just give her an abortion. But they tell her she isn’t of sound enough mind to make that decision.
As if she can’t hear them talking about Endeavour’s orders to make her go through with it.
Even here, he’s controlling her fate.
“I hate him.” Rei shudders as angry tears spill down her cheeks. “I hate him so much it doesn’t fit in my body.”
She sobs as the angry tears keep rolling down her face. She’d give anything to kill him right now, so he can never hurt her children again, so they can be okay again, so nothing will keep her from her snow fairies ever again! They’re her children, not his! She wants them back, she wants her snow fairies back right now!
Shouto’s silence, Touya’s shrieking, Fuyumi’s screams, Natsuo’s panic-
Who is she kidding?
Why would her children ever want to see her again, after what she did?
Rei lowers her head and sobs, the blizzard raging with anger and sadness and pain.
Rei hates everything.
Month 2
“That’s your baby, Rei-san.” The nurse says.
Rei stares at the ultrasound. She’s been pregnant often enough that she should be able to tell what’s the head and what’s the feet, but she can’t. Her vision is blurring as tears spill over her cheeks, sobs wrecking her body.
“This is all your fault! I hate you!”
She covers her face as the tears fall again and again and again.
I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I don’t hate you.
“Rei-san?” The nurse calls.
Rei rubs her tears away and gently brushes her hand over her stomach. She shouldn’t be showing already, she knows it. She’s been pregnant enough times to know how her body reacts to it. She’s been pregnant enough times to know that the ultrasound normally isn’t done this early, but she’d been afraid and wanted to make sure her baby was there.
“I’m fine.” Rei lies poorly, rubbing her tears away.
She’s always been a terrible liar.
The nurse smiles. “Would you like to hear the baby’s heartbeat?”
Rei’s heart thumps.
She remembers blowing raspberries on Shouto’s tummy to hear his laughter and his heartbeat. She remembers tickling Natsuo and Fuyumi’s tummies to feel their heartbeats. She remembers holding Touya to her head, listening to his heartbeat while he slept.
“Yes.” She says.
Hearing their heartbeats, it helped her sleep. Knowing her snow fairies were okay.
The nurse passes her some headphones and Rei puts them on her head, following his instructions. She braces for the chill of the metal on her stomach.
Then she hears it.
The sort of ba-boom/whooshing sound she’s heard so many times before, except for the one time. The first sign of life. The first sign her baby is there. The first sign she hasn’t failed as a mother for this child yet.
Rei sobs and coughs, putting her hand to her stomach. “Hi, baby.”
That’s not just a baby in her belly now though. No, now she has a child in there. Her child.
“Hi, snowberry.” Rei murmurs. “My little snowberry.”
It feels right.
This is her little snowberry, one of her snow fairies.
“That’s my baby.” Rei says to herself.
“That’s your baby, Rei-san.” The nurse says.
Month 3
Rei sighs.
Her stomach is much bigger now. Not as big as to be expected, but big enough to notice she’s pregnant. Big enough that she’s starting to waddle instead of walk.
Rei pouts. “Just when I’m granted permission to go to the gardens, too.”
She’d tried to escape through the garden the last time she was let outside. Not that she’d gotten very far, or even been able to leave the garden itself. She’d still tried to escape and had been confined to her room as punishment, except for the ultrasound.
Rei can’t escape when she’s starting to waddle. Not that the staff would leave her unattended, but it’s the thought that counts.
Did Endeavour know I tried to escape?
Rei narrows her eyes. He must know. The doctors tell him everything, she’s heard them talking when she pretends to sleep or seen letters when they mentioned her name. She has no privacy and no rights. She’s just an animal to Endeavour.
Just a breeding mare.
Rei scowls. She has to get out somehow. Her snow fairies need her. Running away from the doctors only restricted her even more. She needs a new plan, she can’t put her snowberry in danger.
She lays down on her back, rubbing her hand over her stomach.
Asking to leave doesn’t work. Running away doesn’t work. What will?
She turns on her side, twirling her finger around her belly button.
Maybe if she just does as she’s told, she’ll be released?
Rei scowls and stands up, pacing.
Just the thought of going completely compliant makes her want to vomit. Being completely compliant is what got her and her children into this mess. The Gods won’t come for her, no matter how hard she prays or what she does.
She has to find a way out so she can save her children.
Shouto’s silence, Touya’s shrieking, Fuyumi’s screams, Natsuo’s panic-
Even if they never want to see her again, she has to do something! She can’t leave them alone to suffer, she just can’t!
Didn’t you cause so much of their suffering?
She did. She knows she did.
She let her snow fairies be beaten by a man who should’ve protected them. She let Endeavour bully her into having child after child after child. She let her mental state decay so badly that her snowflake was caught in the crossfire. She’s made them suffer so much.
But still…
Rei sighs.
Month 4
Rei sobs. “Snowfield…”
She rests her hands on her stomach, gasping, trying to centre herself. She just woke up from a nightmare. She can feel the kicks under her stomach, but it’s. It’s not her snowfield.
It’s her snowberry.
Rei groans and props herself against the wall.
Damnit. She should’ve expected this. She always has nightmares while she’s pregnant.
“Hey, snowberry.” Rei calls, resting her hand on her stomach.
Her little snowberry kicks and squirms. They’re alive, whoever they’ll become.
“I never told your siblings about this…” She crosses her legs under her. “But you have another older sister. Not Fuyumi. This one didn’t get a name.”
She remembers the heartbreak she’d felt when her snowfield hadn’t cried. She remembers the heartbreak she’d felt when her snowfield was placed in her arms. She remembers the heartbreak she’d felt when her snowfield didn’t come home with her.
“I called her snowfield though, when she was in my tummy.” Rei traces mindless patterns on her stomach, tears starting to form in her eyes. “She was my second baby.”
She remembers it so clearly. Shouto was only 2. But he’d seen her stomach grow and would pat it, babbling ‘baby’. He’d kiss her stomach and squeal ‘baby’. She would spend hours trying to teach him to say ‘snowfield’, but he never quite got it.
“He loved her so much.” She sobs. “Shouto loved being a big brother and I failed him. I killed his first sibling, his baby sister he wanted to meet so badly.”
Endeavour didn’t give her any time to mourn and Shouto any time to understand. He just grumbled about the wasted 9 months and told her to get pregnant within a month to make up for lost time. Said that if she wasn’t so useless, then maybe the child would’ve survived.
“It’s all my fault.” Rei sobs. “I’m such a horrible mother!”
Shouto barely noticed a change. He still babbled and patted her stomach and excitedly squealed ‘baby’ as he did it. He didn’t know she killed his sister, his snowfield.
A kick and squirm.
Rei puts her hands over her belly. “O-oh snowberry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll do my best, I, I’ll do my best not to kill you too. I swear I didn’t mean it, please snowberry.”
Please don’t die. Please don’t let me kill you too.
Rei had hated this pregnancy from the very beginning, remembering intensely the way Endeavour’s burning hands had felt on her body, the way his spit would freeze on her skin, the way he’d yelled at her.
But now…
Rei sobs. “Snowfield…”
Month 5
Rei giggles. “My little snowberry…”
There’s been kicks and squirming in her stomach ever since she woke up. It had made it harder to eat her breakfast, but she’d managed. She’s glad her morning sickness was long gone now, she’s not sure she’d have eaten anything if she was still throwing up.
“You’re so lively.” She cooes to her snowberry, humming.
The doctors told her that her baby is developing fine and she’s out of the most dangerous part of her pregnancy. The part where miscarriages normally occur.
“You know, you’re nothing like your oldest brother, Shouto.” Rei rubs her stomach in circles. “When he was in my stomach, he was such a kind and gentle baby.”
That was part of why she knew he’d be a wonderful big brother. He only ever kicked if she was looking for him, rubbing her stomach. He slept most of the time after he was born as well, going to his crib without a fuss.
“I hope you won’t be like the twins, Natsuo and Fuyumi.” Rei draws circles on her stomach. “They were such fussy babies.”
It almost felt as if they were trying to kick each other most of the time and using her body as a mini battle field. They had such a hard time sleeping too, if Shouto hadn’t been there, she’s not sure how often she’d be able to get them to rest.
“Your older brother Touya is a lot like you.” Rei smiles. “He’s just as active as you are, my little snowberry.”
She almost called him spitfire because of how active he was, always kicking her, as if he was desperate to see the world. But he was a better sleeper than the twins, not as good as Shouto, but he slept better than they did.
At least…
Rei’s smile falls.
He was sleeping better when she last saw him. He wasn’t even 2 years old yet. He’d been getting better at sleeping, but who knows how that’s going after what she did.
A kick.
Rei groans and looks down. “You won’t let me pout in peace, will you?”
Another kick.
Rei looks at the ceiling, smiling. “Maybe you are like Shouto after all. He would always try to cheer me up. Show up just when I was going to cry.”
He’d been her Hero in that Hellish house. She hates how much she depended on Shouto to do everything, to make her feel better, to care for her children. He shouldn’t have had to do that. He was only 8.
Still… she hopes her snowberry will be as kind and strong as her snowflake.
Rei giggles. “My little snowberry…”
Month 6
Rei looks out the window at the autumn leaves. “Snowberry…”
She puts her hand over her stomach. It’s so much larger now. She is heavily pregnant. She spends so much time talking to her little snowberry, she’s noticed things. The baby reacts to her voice when she talks.
A kick.
Rei sighs and looks down. “I wanna apologize.”
A kick.
“It’s not just Snowfield who didn’t make it out.” Rei looks up. “Snowball didn’t survive either.”
She remembers her little snowball. She’s the only one who remembers her little snowball.
“Endeavour was training Shouto. The twins were 2 and I was so scared all the time.” Rei curls her hands into fists. “I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stay awake. I knew where Endeavour kept the liquor and drank coffee religiously.”
She was so, so stupid.
Tears form and spill over her cheeks. “I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking every night. I thought one little glass of wine to help me sleep was okay. I didn’t think the coffee would hurt.”
She wants to strangle her 22 year old self, even now.
“On the day I was going to tell Shouto and the twins they would have another sibling, I woke up bleeding.” Rei bangs her fist against the window. “I went to the doctor that day. And my snowball was gone because I was stupid and naive and selfish and disgusting!”
Endeavour was furious when he found out she’d had a miscarriage. It was bad enough she’d already failed once by having a stillbirth. Now she’d failed again.
“The only saving grace is that you haven’t wasted 9 months on this. Tell me immediately when you can fulfil your duty. Don’t forget your place, woman.”
Shouto had heard the noise and tried to stop Endeavour from hurting her further. He’d gotten a black eye, bloody lip and broken arm for his troubles. The way Shouto screamed that day still rang loud in her ears in her worst nightmares.
Endeavour didn’t keep any alcohol in the house anymore, or coffee. Not that she even dared to touch the tea for years.
The last time she tried to drink any tea was the night she-
Rei sobs and covers her left eye, digging her nails in. “Snowberry, I’m such a horrible mother. I’m so sorry you have such a failure carrying you. Please don’t die, my little snowberry.”
No child deserves her for a mother. Shouto is so good, even with all that he’s seen, he should have a mother who can do the right thing. Natsuo is so strong, so much stronger than she could be, she should be strong enough to protect him. Fuyumi is so gentle, so sweet, she should’ve been sweet and gentle. Touya is so strong willed too, she should’ve fought too.
Rei looks out the window at the autumn leaves. “Snowberry…”
Month 7
Rei opens the book of western fairy tales. “Let’s find a good one, shall we, snowberry?”
A kick.
Rei nods and hums. “How about I tell you about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?”
A kick.
Rei giggles. “Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Snow White. Her mother died when she was a baby, but her father loved her very much.”
Would her children be happier if she was dead?
“The King loved Snow White, but he knew she needed a mother. He married a new woman, who was beautiful. But she was in fact very bad. She became the Evil Queen.”
Endeavour probably would’ve remarried if she had died.
“The Evil Queen wanted to be the most beautiful in the land and the most powerful. So she used another spell to kill the King and she turned Snow White into a servant in the castle.”
She hopes her children are okay. That they aren’t in pain, like Snow White is.
“But as the Evil Queen and Snow White grew older, the Evil Queen grew uglier and Snow White grew prettier. When the Evil Queen asked the magic mirror who the fairest in the land is, the magic mirror said that it was Snow White. The jealous Evil Queen, unwilling to accept reality, decided to kill Snow White.”
Endeavour is probably hurting her children… and she can’t stop him.
“When the Huntsman came for Snow White, she ran away to the forest. Where she met the Seven Dwarfs, tiny people who took her in and protected her.”
She hopes someone is protecting her children.
“The Seven Dwarfs became best friends with Snow White, who was in love with Prince Charming. One day though, the Evil Queen found Snow White and tricked her into eating a poisoned apple, which put her to sleep forever. While the Seven Dwarfs fought the Evil Queen, Prince Charming saved Snow White with True Love’s First Kiss.”
She hopes her children will be saved. She hopes they’ll be loved.
“The end.” Rei closes the book and pets her stomach. “Did you enjoy that, snowberry?”
Another kick.
“I’m so glad. Fairy tales make me happy. Endeavour would always burn the books if he found them, so I taught Shouto to hide them.” Rei sighs. “I’m glad the staff gave me this one.”
She missed reading fairy tales to her children. She hopes her children will still hear fairy tales. Maybe Shouto is reading them. Maybe they’re happier without her and her weakness.
A kick.
Rei shakes off the sadness and sighs. No time for that. Her snowberry wants more stories.
Rei opens the book of western fairy tales. “Let’s find a good one, shall we, snowberry?”
Month 8
“Snowberry, can you stay a little longer?” Rei whispers.
She’s so heavy now, she can barely move.
Her little snowberry isn’t moving as much either.
“I don’t want you to leave me.” Rei confesses.
She loves her snow fairies so much. She thinks about them so much, she feels like she’s going crazy. The only thing that’s kept her sane is her snowberry.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so selfish.” Tears appear in Rei’s eyes.
She always spends her pregnancies crying. But this one has had the most tears.
She misses Shouto, her little snowflake. She misses Natsuo, her little snowman. She misses Fuyumi, her little snow angel. She misses Touya, her little snow sprite.
She misses watching them playing, the few times they managed to. She misses talking to them all the time, helping with every little need she can. She misses watching All Might videos with them, or reading fairy tales to them, or doing anything at all with her snow fairies.
“I don’t want to be alone.” Rei cries.
She coughs and chokes and shakes, holding her stomach tighter.
She’s always crying and she’s always useless and she’s always never enough, because she’s too weak. She couldn’t protect her babies. She couldn’t even protect herself.
Endeavour was right. She is weak. She is useless. She is a failure.
“I don’t want him to hurt you.” Rei looks down at her massive stomach.
She knows she’s going to be early. All of her pregnancies were always before the 38th week.
Shouto was the only one who was in the benchmark, though just barely. When she gave birth to snowfield, she was doing so a month before she should have. The twins had to come early, she didn’t have enough room for them. Touya was premature as well, rushed to the doctors before she could hold him, since he was born at 33 weeks.
“Please don’t be premature.” Rei rubs her stomach. “Please be healthy.”
She doesn’t want her baby to be in danger. She wants to hold snowberry when they’re born, not have them rushed from the room. She wants to meet her baby snowberry without worrying about anything else. She wants her little snowberry to be safe.
More than anything else…
“I want you to be happy. I want to be happy. I’ll go crazy if I’m alone.” Rei whispers.
But then again, she’s already living in the mental hospital. She hurt Shouto. Maybe she already is crazy, like the doctors say. Maybe she does need help, like the doctors say. Maybe she does need to stay here for the safety of wider society, like the doctors say.
“Snowberry, can you stay a little longer?” Rei whispers.
Month 9
She’s beautiful.
“You’ve managed to have a healthy baby girl, Rei-san…”
She has an adorable little girl in her arms.
“She’s a good weight and height as well…”
A loud, strong, fierce little girl who is screaming and wild.
“I believe she’ll be just fine…”
Rei loves her.
She's the only one out of all of her snow fairies who has pink hair. They all have red or white or both, but never pink. Rei loves the colour of her baby snowberry’s hair, she has such a cute, fuzzy head. She has brown eyes, so wide and curious and pretty.
“Shh…” Rei gently rocks her little snowberry. “It’s me, dear. It’s Mama.”
Her little snowberry pauses in her wild screaming, sobbing and whining and staring at Rei.
Rei gently offers the little girl her finger to hold.
Her little snowberry grabs it immediately and pulls it in her mouth, nomming on her finger.
Rei sobs.
She loves her. Nothing else matters. Her past failures don’t matter.
Rei loves her daughter. That’s all that matters.
Her little snowberry suckles on her finger, then sputters and removes it.
Rei giggles and wiggles her finger. “You don’t eat those, my little snowberry.”
Such a silly baby she has. Such a silly child.
Rei loves her.
“You’re perfect, aren’t you, honey?” Rei smiles, holding her baby closer. “Yes you are. My perfect little girl.”
In any moment, the others will arrive and she’ll introduce her snowberry to her snow fairies-
Oh.
No. That won’t happen. She failed as a mother to Shouto, to Natuso, to Fuyumi, to Touya.
And now she’ll fail this little girl too.
“What will her name be, Rei-san?” The doctor calls.
Rei cradles the head of her little snowberry. “Todoroki Yukiko.”
Yukiko blinks at her, then yawns, going to sleep.
She’s beautiful.
“You’re insane.” She says.
Rei holds her daughter tighter. Yukiko is asleep in her arms, but she doesn’t know how long that will last. Not with Mother standing in front of her, with the same expression on her face that she would have when she was about to hit Rei, or Aoi, or Geten.
“You can’t take her from me.” Rei says. “She’s my daughter, not yours.”
Mother scoffs and Rei flinches.
“I’m the one who’s mad?” Mother tilts her head. “Rei, be reasonable.”
“Be reasonable, woman.”
Rei flinches.
Calm down. Endeavour isn’t here.
“You live in a mental institution, what commoners call a looney bin.” Mother lifts her head. “If you think you’re keeping that child here, you’re mad. You’re lucky Endeavour has any interest in taking the child in, given that you’re damaged goods.”
Rei’s eyes widen in horror.
“No.” Rei shakes her head. “No, he can’t have Yukiko.”
She couldn’t protect the rest of her snow fairies from Endeavour, but she will protect Yukiko-
“He’s her father, he belongs to her!” Mother shouts. “As do you unless you forgot!”
Rei winces.
“How dare you speak back to me like that, I am your mother you ignorant child!” Mother storms towards her. “You should be thanking me for taking this leech from you!”
Then Mother grabs Yukiko’s blanket.
“NO!” Rei screams-
Mother smacks her across the face, her palm made of ice.
Rei’s lip bleeds and her nose too.
“Remember your place and the position your weakness has put our family in.” Mother hisses. “You attacking your child has forced me to take your place as their caretaker. If you continue to act mad, you’ll only make things worse for yourself and for us. Now stop being selfish and let her go, you useless, ignorant child.”
Rei can’t do anything.
She can’t protect her little snowberry.
Mother’s right. Endeavour’s right. The doctors are right.
She’s nothing but a failure.
She can only hope that… that Yukiko will give her siblings all the love that Rei can’t from where she is. She hopes they protect each other. She hopes they stay together.
Even if her children all grow up to hate her, it won’t matter to Rei so long as they’re happy. So long as they’ll be okay. She’s failed them so horribly as their mother, she can’t make the selfish wish to have them stay at her side.
She just hopes they’ll be happy. And loved. And safe.
“You’re a cruel witch, Mother.” Rei says, an insult she’d never had the courage to spit.
Mother gives her a hate filled glare as she holds the last bit of joy in Rei’s life.
“You’re insane.” She says.
